


Recovery

by accelgors



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-06 01:59:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19052968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accelgors/pseuds/accelgors
Summary: Jack Morrison is at his lowest point, and only Gabriel Reyes can save him.A somber fic to counteract my normal domestic fluff.





	1. Start

**Author's Note:**

> Just a note, there's an attempted suicide at one point in this fanfic. If you're triggered/uncomfortable with that, read with care.

Gabriel Reyes sat in the car with his partner, Jack Morrison, on their way to Indiana. Jack had found out the previous day that his mother was quite sick, and he immediately demanded they go to see her. The problem being: she didn’t know that he was alive.

Jack had been keeping tabs on her for years now. Gabriel didn’t really understand why he wouldn’t just talk to her, but he had never been particularly close with his parents, so he supposed he had no way of knowing his feelings. Were his parents even still alive? They lost contact long ago, and his parents seemed even less interested in maintaining it than he was. It wasn’t something he even thought about anymore.

Clearly Jack was much less nonchalant about that, because the mood in the car was somber. The radio, normally tuned to some boring classic rock station that Jack liked, was silent, and Jack didn’t say anything, obviously lost in thought. He had been giving the street in front of them an intense glare as he drove down the highway, seeming focused on something other than the road. Gabriel wanted to speak up, make some sort of joke, break the tension, but he felt uncomfortable saying anything at all for fear of upsetting Jack.

Finally, just as the restless atmosphere had started to get to him, they pulled up to the parking spot closest to the farm Jack had told him about. Gabriel started walking in its direction, until he saw that Jack wasn’t following him.

“Jack? You coming?” He said, trying not to sound impatient.

Jack paused. “…Yeah. Just don’t really know what I’m gonna say.”

“You didn’t prepare anything?” Normally Jack was obsessed with being on top of absolutely everything he did before it happened.

“Figured it’d be better to be spontaneous. Guess I was wrong.” Jack shrugged.

Gabriel patted him on the back, the best supportive gesture he could think of. “You’ll do fine.” He moved closer to Jack’s ear and spoke more quietly. “She’ll be happy to see you. I know she will.”  
Jack paused again, then nodded. Neither of them spoke of the possibility that she may be too sick to talk to him.

\--

As they approached the doorstep, Jack took a deep breath. Gabriel figured that he should let Jack open the door on his own. He’d praise himself for being considerate later, because damn was it not his strong suit.

Jack seemed frozen in place. Right as Gabriel was about to ask him if he wanted to just go back home, Jack managed to knock on the door.

An old man opened the door, and Gabriel instantly knew it was Jack’s father. Even though SEP had changed Jack’s appearance, his father was not really much less muscular, showing the strength of someone who had to live off the land. More than that, though, the striking blue eyes were the most telling sign that they were related.

“You another caregiver? I told you, she just wants to be left alone.”

“Uh, no," Jack started. He found his voice and said, “Dad, it’s Jack.”

Jack’s father stepped closer. “Now you listen here—” Jack took out his wallet and showed his father a picture. Gabriel recalled that Jack had started carrying a family picture in his wallet. Nostalgia really does start getting to you when you get old.

His father froze. “Son…” They hugged, and Gabriel swore he saw tears in Jack’s eyes. “We thought you were dead.” He looked at the ground. “Guess you wanna see your mother.” Jack nodded.

As they walked through the single-story farmhouse, Gabriel took in his surroundings, mostly because he didn’t feel comfortable looking at Jack’s father. The old man hadn’t even acknowledged that he was there. Focused on the whole ‘son is still alive’ thing, he supposed. Gabriel was somewhat relieved by that; while he was able to keep his body mostly stable here, and he wore sunglasses to cover his red eyes, he really didn’t want to explain to these simple people if his arm started to dematerialize.

The house redefined ‘quaint’. While there was basic furniture expected in a living room, such as a gaudy bright green sofa, the real highlight of the room were the massive number of pictures lining the walls. The pictures offered a timeline of Jack’s life, starting as a baby and moving into one of the last times he had seen his parents, and Gabriel noticed that the picture Jack carried in his wallet was also there. Watching the small child grow into the lanky blonde farm boy he had first met all the way into the tired adult was surreal, as if watching his own life play out through someone else.

The three of them reached what he assumed was a bedroom and opened the door.

“Mama?” Jack said.

His mother seemed to recognize him instantly. “That voice, those eyes…Jackie?”

Jack was definitely crying. “Yeah, Mama, it’s me.”

Even with so many questions left unanswered, Jack’s mother didn’t ask any of them. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

Gabriel joined Jack in the room and saw what his mother looked like. The sickness she had – Jack said it was an infection and wasn’t contagious to them, but hadn’t been much more clear than that, probably not knowing that well himself – had clearly taken its toll, as her face was pale and gaunt. Still, she had many of Jack’s features, and it was clear he got his facial structure from his mother rather than his father.

“Should you be in the hospital?” Jack asked.

She shook her head. “Can’t do much for me, sad enough. I just wanted to pass on in peace at home, instead of in that noisy place. And seeing my boy means I can go happy.” She held onto Jack’s hand.

Jack was clearly trying to keep himself composed and mostly failing. Stuttering, he said, “They tried everything?”

Jack’s father nodded. “Yeah. Your mother asked them to stop.”

“I’m ready to go, Jackie," she said.

Jack didn’t say anything for a moment. He picked up a nearby chair and sat next to her. “I’m staying with you.”

Gabriel spoke up for the first time since they arrived. “I’ll stay too.” He patted Jack’s shoulder. Jack gave him a weak smile in return. Even though he didn’t know Jack’s mother well (he had only seen her a few times), there was no way he wouldn’t be here to support Jack right now.

“Oh my, is that Gabriel?” She asked.

Jack nodded. “Yeah. We’re together now.” He seemed to intentionally avoid the word ‘husband’. The two hadn’t gotten married yet even though they had reunited 5 years ago. Guilt filled him as he thought about Jack’s mother never being able to go to his wedding.

She smiled. “Good that you found a nice boy. I was worried you’d be alone forever.”

“Hey!” He said, and managed a laugh. Jack had remained close with his mother throughout his time in Overwatch, but had told Gabriel that he thought speaking to his parents during his time as a vigilante would put them in danger, so he had avoided them. He had talked about missing them in the past, and it certainly showed. They really had a natural chemistry.

For the rest of the night, Gabriel sat in the room, listening to Jack’s conversations with his mother. He didn’t give much input (and discovered that day that Jack’s mother was just as chatty as her son), preferring to listen to their dynamic. Although they had moments of laughter as Jack explained the funnier stories from the time he had been gone (and intentionally left out the parts where Gabriel shot him), there was a sense of dread coming from Jack, as everyone there knew his time with her was limited.

Gabriel wasn’t sure when he drifted off to sleep, but when he woke up, Jack had his head in his hands. Seeing Gabriel stir, he looked up and simply said, “She’s gone.” Gabriel walked towards his chair and hugged Jack, who put his head in the other man’s chest and cried.

Trying to ease his heavy breathing, he rubbed Jack’s back. Although he had never been that close to his family, Gabriel had certainly experienced death before. Still, without the family bond, he didn’t fully know what to say or how to help. He lowered his head and whispered in Jack’s ear “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

He wanted to say ‘you’ll be OK’, but he really wasn’t sure if that was true.

\--

Gabriel hated funerals. Truthfully, he felt like he didn’t even belong there, since he barely knew Jack’s mother. Still, she had raised the man he loved, so he thought he at least owed something to her. Not only that, but Jack needed support right now.

He had seen Jack cry more times in the past week than he had in the rest of the decade. Usually, Jack wasn’t a crier at all.

Even though he was there for support, he felt as if he barely even got to talk to Jack, because so many people were approaching him, either to tell him how sorry they were for his loss or expressing their surprise that he was still alive.

As Jack gave his dedication, Gabriel marveled at his speaking ability. Even though he wasn’t a world leader anymore, he still could carry just as much presence and emotion when he wanted to. And he somehow managed to keep his speech composed the entire time even though Gabriel saw him shaking and heard his breathing coming in near gasps.

Seeing the man he loved in so much turmoil and being unable to do much about it made Gabriel want to cry himself.


	2. Descent

Two weeks after the funeral, Gabriel knocked on Ana’s door. She had decided to live near Jack and Gabriel (which he suspected was to keep them from doing anything stupid), in a smaller house near a lake. She said that the beach there reminded her of Hawaii.

The door opened. “Oh, hello Gabriel," she said, beckoning for him to come inside. Gabriel sat down on her couch near the coffee table. “Are you here about Jack?” Concern showed in the wrinkles on her face. He suspected she had been just as worried about Jack as he was. Gabriel nodded.

She stood up and walked towards the kitchen. “Tea?” It had long since been a tradition for her to make both Jack and Gabriel tea and sit them down at the table every time they came over. She said it made for better conversation. Maybe she just wanted to keep them from snooping in her house.

After their drinks were prepared, the two of them sat in their usual spots at the table. Cutting out any pleasantries, he said, “I’m worried about him. He hasn’t left the house since the funeral. He barely even gets out of bed. Thought I could help him deal with it, but I might be in over my head.” It made him feel so inadequate to not be able to help Jack through this even though Jack had put so much effort into saving him from his own dark places.

Ana sighed. He noticed that she kept looking over at the framed picture of Fareeha behind them. “He’ll recover in time. I hate seeing him this way, too, but there isn’t much we can do except support him.”

He looked down at his cup. “It scares me. Seems like he just gets worse every day.”

Ana closed her eyes for a moment, as if considering the options of the situation. She always seemed to have a better idea of what to do in these situations than he did. “Have you thought about a counselor for him?”

He thought about it for a moment. An expert on these emotions could certainly be helpful, because he sure as hell wasn’t one. “Would he say yes to that, though?”

“Hm. I think he would, from what you’ve told me. Unless men are even more obsessed with their pride than I thought.” She chuckled.

“You know how stubborn he is.”

She nodded. “I think he wants to recover, though. She would want him to. A good mother wants her children to enjoy life. If I passed, I wouldn’t want Fareeha to never become herself again.” Gabriel recalled Ana’s past and wondered if she had this perspective from watching Fareeha’s response to her faked death.

“You’re right.” He got up from his chair and started to leave. This was what he needed to do to save Jack. He’d convince that stubborn asshole to get help whether he liked it or not. “Thanks, Ana.” He closed the door as he rushed out, probably a bit too hard.

She chuckled. “He didn’t even finish his tea. How rude.”

\--

Jack woke up at 3:30PM. Usually, he had a strict schedule of waking up by sunrise, but what did it matter now? All he would do all day was stare at the wall and sometimes cry.

Although he had spent most of the first few days after the funeral crying, now he just felt numb. As if all of his emotions had been drained from his body. A few times per day, they would break through again and he would have another crying episode, but for the most part he felt nothing at all. He wasn’t really thinking about anything most of the time, either; he just stared at nothing. He couldn’t even fully tell when he was asleep and when he was awake.

The door to his bedroom opened, and he nearly jumped. He recalled an old shrink telling him that was a symptom of his PTSD. Before his mother’s death, he thought he was mostly over that, but now it seemed to be coming back in full force, even worse than before.

Luckily, it was just Gabriel. No need to panic.

“Hey," Gabriel said, voice much quieter and more somber than usual. “You up?”

“Yeah.” Gabriel’s presence was always at least a bit comforting. Or at least it was, until his face started to form back into the Reaper mask, and his familiar shotguns reappeared in his hand spontaneously.

One of the guns levelled at his spine, in the exact same place he had shot him in Cairo. He looked into the mask, searching for Gabriel’s eyes, but found nothing but contempt when he looked at the visible part.

“Gabe, why are you doing this?” He shouted. Gabriel didn’t respond, just as he didn’t say anything the previous time. “Gabriel!” Jack saw his finger move down towards the trigger and heard a bang—

“Jack!” He finally heard a response. He had been in the fetal position on the floor, and felt tears running down his cheeks. Rubbing his eyes, he saw that Gabriel was back to normal. Still, he couldn’t shake the fear of what he just experienced, and he backed away from him towards the wall.

Gabriel’s expression became one of deep sorrow, the rare look he saw when he had been hurt. It killed him to see that, and he wanted to give some kind of affection to reassure him. A hug, a kiss, rubbing his head, anything, but all he could do was sit with his back against the wall, frozen in place. _I’m such a coward._

“Jack, it’s just me. Gabe.” He reached his arms towards Jack and kneeled down next to him. Jack recalled when Angela had told him about breathing exercises the first time he had told her about these attacks, and took deep breaths. _Everything is fine. You’re safe. Gabriel is here. He loves you. He won’t hurt you._ After a few moments, he finally managed to stop shaking, although he was still breathing hard.

Jack hugged Gabriel and started crying into his shoulder. As Gabriel rubbed his back and whispered reassurances into his ear, he appreciated the gesture even though he knew none of them were true.

\--

A couple hours passed, Gabriel giving Jack some time to cool down. He stayed close to Jack, making sure to be there if he had another meltdown. Eventually, Gabriel opened the door again, trying to do so as gently as he could. Jack didn’t jump this time.

“Hey.”

Jack gave a weak smile. “Hey.”

“You OK?”

“No, not really.” Jack chuckled.

“Me neither.” Gabriel moved towards the bed. “Move over.” He laid down next to Jack. He reached his arms out, trying to get permission to hold him. Jack nodded. Looking at Jack’s face, he tried to smile, but it mostly just came out as a grimace.

“We’re fucked up, aren’t we?”

“Kinda.” Gabriel reached over and wrapped his arms around Jack, who pushed himself closer to the other man’s chest. Jack was always so warm. It was a comfort to him, contrasting the chill of his still-unstable body. “Always liked it that way, though.”

Jack said nothing, but his smile was much more genuine this time.

As he felt the rise and fall of Jack’s chest, Gabriel stared at the ceiling. “You should get a therapist," he blurted out. _Wow, way to put that delicately, dumbass._

Jack sighed. “I haven’t had a shrink in decades. Thought I didn’t need them anymore.”

He started working his fingers through Jack’s hair, an attempt at a calming motion. There was nothing he wanted more right now than to give Jack some sense of security. “I want to help, but I can’t save you on my own. I wish I could.” A feeling of inadequacy rushed through him even admitting that.

“Not your job to do that. And I appreciate you trying a lot.” Jack moved his face closer to Gabriel’s ear and whispered, “I love you.”

“Me too. Always.” He continued to rub his hands down Jack’s head, going as slowly as he could. They didn’t say anything else. Eventually, he heard Jack start snoring. As loud as his snoring could get, seeing Jack feeling some peace was worth it. He missed when he could see this all the time.

“Please get help,” he whispered, not loud enough to wake Jack up. “I can’t lose you.”

\--

Jack approached the door to Dr. Miller’s office. With Gabriel having left the building to get food (he said that therapist’s waiting rooms ‘suck out your soul’), this was his own hurdle to jump over. There was something oddly nerve-wracking about going to a therapist after being without one for so long. Like going back to a wheelchair after recovering from a previous injury.

He entered the office and looked inside. It seemed so stereotypical; a single couch for the client to sit on, with a single chair for the doctor to use, and not much else in the way of furniture except for a few desks. The walls were a dull gray color. The only feature that really stood out were several corny inspirational posters, including the common poster of the kitten in the tree saying “Hang in there!”

Unlike the plain room, the doctor himself made an instant impression. Jack wasn’t sure if you were supposed to wear rainbow tie-dyes to work, or if his massive glasses even actually helped him see.

“Hello. You must be John!” He said, sounding way too excited.

“Uh, yeah. That’s me.” Jack sat down on the couch, shifting slightly. He already felt uncomfortable.

“I’m Dr. Miller, and I’m here to make this experience less excruciating.” He smiled. The enthusiasm was kind of appreciated, even though it was a bit awkward.

“Okay. Should I just get started?”

“Gotta get down to business, right? That’s fine. What’s on your mind, John?” With how this was going, he expected this guy to pull out balloon animals or something.

“My mom died a couple weeks ago, and I don’t think I can handle it.” He expected such a depressing statement to lower the man’s spirits instantly, but although he showed sympathy, he didn’t seem particularly upset.

“I’m sorry. That’s terrible.” He nodded. “Well, John, why don’t you think you can handle it?”

Jack scratched the back of his head. Describing this always filled him with a bit of shame. “Also a war veteran, and I definitely have PTSD, and it’s gotten way worse since she died.”

“Mmm. That must be hard. I don’t fully know, because the only veteran I am is a veteran at golf.” He chuckled at his own joke. “What are the symptoms you get?”

“Flashbacks. Bad ones.”

He wrote down notes on his clipboard. “What do you see?”

 _Well, my not-husband tries to murder me. Yeah, maybe don’t tell him that part._ “A time I got shot.” He tried to be as vague as possible, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to say who did it.

“OK. I got the basics. When was the last time this flashback happened, John?”

After that, Jack told him about what had happened in his bedroom. It became easier to open up after that story, and he told the doctor the details of not leaving his bed, the panic attacks, how easy it was to startle him, and basically everything other than what happened with Gabriel. Despite the doctor’s…quirks, he was easy to talk to, and felt very non-judgmental. Getting these things off his chest felt good, even if he hadn’t started giving advice yet and was mostly just listening and making stupid jokes.

Near the end of their hour, Dr. Miller put his pen down. “Well, John, I’d need to see you again. I think the grief will just go away in time and with coping mechanisms, but the post-traumatic stress disorder is something we need to treat with specific therapy. Can you book another session? As long as you’re not tired of my ugly mug, that is.” He giggled.

He nodded. “Sure.” A bit of unease hit him as he realized that he might eventually have to say what Gabriel did, at least in vague terms. Despite that, he arranged the time for their appointment next week and walked back down the hall.

“Bye John! Have a nice day!” The doctor said in a near-shout.

When he got back to the waiting room, Gabriel had returned. Apparently having seen the doctor, he said “ _That’s_ your therapist?”

“Yeah," Jack said, a bit confused himself.

“Looks like a psycho himself.”

Jack smacked his side. “Gabe, that’s mean.”

“You were thinking it too.”

They left the office and walked outside. Gabriel pointed to the door that said _Child Counseling_. “Oh no, you went to the wrong one.” He laughed at his own joke, while Jack rolled his eyes as visibly as possible.

After they got to the car, Gabriel said, “You feel any better, though?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah. A little.”

And a little was a start, right?


	3. Crash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note: Trigger warning for heavy discussion of drug/alcohol abuse and an attempted suicide.**

Unfortunately, Jack’s flashbacks regarding Gabriel weren’t over.

Sometimes when they would be together, especially when Gabriel would walk towards him quickly, the Reaper armor would come back and he would see those cold, red eyes behind the mask again. These attacks only became worse over time, happening more and more often. It killed him to watch how sad Gabriel appeared every time it happened. The one comfort he had left in the world was becoming painful, too.

Even though Gabriel would reassure him that he didn’t judge him, and that he just wanted to help him, there was no stopping the paranoia he felt that it was straining his relationship.

He skipped dinner that day. Every time he tried to eat it felt like his stomach was rejecting it, which just made him gag. The only thing going into his stomach was copious amounts of alcohol. As he walked through the hallway back to his bedroom again, he heard his mother’s voice.

“Jackie, you’re killing yourself. I always told you to eat your dinner or you’d wither away," she said, sternly.

“I know, Mama," he said aloud. He knew she wasn’t actually there, and he felt like a complete nut talking aloud to a fake voice in his head, but he couldn’t leave what she said alone. “Sorry I’m disappointing you.” He lowered his head.

“When did you become a whiner, Jackie?” The voice echoed in his head.

“Feel like I lost myself. Don’t know who I am anymore.” He picked up some vodka he had been hiding in a cabinet, out of Gabriel’s sight, and opened the bottle. His partner had told him he was worried about his drinking, but it numbed the pain. God, he was so pathetic. Taking a drink, he felt the burn of the alcohol in his throat, but it was hard for him to even care.

When he got back to their bedroom, Gabriel was waiting there. Damn, that wraith shit made him so quiet. Luckily, the surprise didn’t trigger an attack.

Gabriel looked over at the vodka in Jack’s hand, who tried to hide it behind his back. “Bad day?” He asked. Jack nodded sheepishly. “Come here," he said, laying down on their bed with a spot open next to him for Jack. As Jack put the drink down and slid into bed next to him, he noticed how delicately Gabriel was moving and cursed his own weakness. It hurt his pride having to be coddled so much.

“You seeing the doctor next week?” Gabriel asked, turning his head toward Jack.

“Yeah.” Jack sighed. “There’s a problem, though.” Gabriel’s eyebrow raised. When Jack hesitated, Gabriel nudged him, encouraging him to go on. “I told him a person shot me when he asked about the flashbacks, but wasn’t specific about who. Keeps asking me who it was, and said it’s harder for him to treat me without knowing the situation better, but I don’t know how to not give you away and still tell him. Can’t just say ‘my boyfriend tried to kill me’. They could come after you.”

“I think you should tell him.”

“Huh?”

Gabriel nodded. Jack searched for a sign that he was joking, but he in fact appeared much more serious than usual. “I don’t want to you to not be honest for my sake. If it has to put me in trouble, that’s fine. I’ll risk it if it helps you get better.”

“Gabe…” Jack wouldn’t admit it to himself, but he felt himself tearing up a bit.

“I’ll help you no matter what it takes. Won’t take no for an answer," he said, frown lines emphasizing the scars on his face.

Jack didn’t say anything. Although he tried to come up with a response, all he could do was try to absorb what he just heard. He stared up at the ceiling fan, watching it go around, same as ever. The world really doesn’t stop turning no matter what happens to you. The dim light from the lamp next to their bed allowed it to cast a shadow across the room, which Jack watched move in a similar rhythm.

Jack was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t hear Gabriel speak up. Or maybe his hearing was just going bad. “Hey Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Wanna get married?”

Jack froze. Did he hear that right? “You serious?” He nearly smacked himself, impressed at his own ability to respond to everything in as awkward of a way as possible.

Gabriel nodded. “Don’t have to. I just want to be your husband for real.”

“You’re not just doing this to make me feel better, right?”

“Look, if you don’t want to, just say—”

Jack stopped him. “I want to. So bad. Let’s have a real wedding.”

Gabriel grinned. “Dammit, I was hoping we could skip that part.”

“Fuck no. Always wanted a wedding. A whole celebration, just for me and my husband.”

“Okay, princess.” Jack hit him with a pillow. “Ow! Domestic abuse,” Gabriel said. “I’m calling the cops.”

Both of them laughed, despite themselves. Jack wrapped his arms around Gabriel, putting his hands on his back, and the two shared a deep kiss.

At that moment, he instantly knew he was marrying the right person.

\--

“Dr. Miller, I have to tell you something.”

“Is it something funny?” Dr. Miller asked. Seeing Jack’s annoyed glare, he quickly said, “Go on.”

He almost said what he was thinking. What he had come prepared to say. About his history with Gabriel, and how the person in his flashbacks was his own soon-to-be husband.

But he was too scared.

While he was lost in thought, he saw Dr. Miller still staring at him. Shit. Say something. Forcing a smile, he said, “Me and Gabe are getting married.” Well, at least it was true.

The doctor nearly jumped in his chair. “That’s wonderful! I’m sure you’ll have a great ceremony. I know a planner who sets up water balloon fights, do you want that?”

“Er…no.”

Maybe next week.

“So,” Jack started, “A couple times in the past week I’ve talked to my mom. Well, not literally. She wasn’t actually there. But I hear her voice. So many things I want to tell her, but she’s gone before I can. Am I crazy?”

Dr. Miller chuckled. “Of course not. That’s just how people grieve. Tell you what, let’s try something. You should write her a letter. Tell her everything you’ve been holding back and want to say.”

“Hm. Guess I could try that.” It was a worth a shot. Definitely preferable to being haunted by a ghost voice.

\--

So, Jack moved into their living room, asking Gabriel to stay out for a little while. He felt so lucky that his fiancé understood.

He decided to focus on setting up a proper environment. The desk he used, which reminded him of the one he spent hours at filing paperwork during Overwatch’s glory days (which made him cringe, if he was honest with himself), was raised enough that he could write comfortably without lowering his arms too far. The lights were dimmed, giving him just enough to see what he was writing and a bit of the surrounding area, but not so much to be distracting. This was perfect for focusing. He was determined to do this right.

Picking up his favorite pen (the way the black ink slid cleanly across the page was so satisfying), he put down his paper. He wasn’t sure where to start, so he just went for the first thing that came to mind.

_Dear Mama,_

_Hi. It’s John. I miss you so much. You always told me that any truly good person would go to Heaven (were you just trying to comfort me because I’m gay?), so I’m sure you’re up there and really happy right now. If you miss me too, I hope you know somehow that I’m thinking about you. All the time._

He was already starting to tear up. This was going to be a challenge.

_I’m so sorry that I was gone for so long. I hate that I missed what could’ve been our last years together. I know I say it was to keep you safe, but I’m scared that it was really because of my stupid ego. I thought I was so cool and tough. Was I just staying away from you for my image? That question’s always going to get to me, I think._

He thought about the way his mother would frown at his self-deprecation, and decided to at least try to not say out loud the self-loathing he felt. While writing that sentence, he realized that the first tear had started to fall, and made sure to not cry onto the paper and smudge the ink.

_You must’ve missed me a lot. I’m glad I got to talk to you before you passed, though. You’re still so funny! I remember how much I love hanging out with you. Remember when we used to gossip about Mrs. Peterson next door? Some of the stuff you said was brutal and made me laugh so hard. Kind of reminds me of Gabe, actually._

_I almost forgot to tell you. I’m finally getting married. I’m going to be Gabe’s husband. I hope you’ll watch from up there and be proud of me. Try not to cry, because I know I will._

He laughed softly to himself, as the bottom of the paper was starting to get wet with his own tears. Hopefully he didn’t end up writing that much.

_Even though you’re gone, Mama, I’ll never forget you. I promise. I’ll never forget your chocolate cookies, or how you could kick my butt at sports, or you helping me with the homework I was too dumb to do myself. I know we fought sometimes, but I always cared about you more than anyone else. Sorry I was so bad at showing it. I really grew up to be like Dad, didn’t I?_

_I wish you could’ve lived longer. I know I would’ve had to say goodbye eventually, but I wanted more time._

_It’s been kinda rough without you. I’ve been drinking too much. I know you always said that alcohol was the Devil’s drink, so sorry. You were kinda right, honestly._

_You wouldn’t want me to spend all my time crying and moping. I’m sorry if I’m disappointing you. It’s just so hard to not have a mom anymore. I just keep remembering everything you did for me and all the things I loved about you, and how I’ll never get that from you again. Like how you’d always tell me like it is, saying I looked like a clown when I dressed ugly and helping me pick out the right clothes. Or how you’d rock me when I used to be scared of storms (I can even be outside in them now!) Or when Gabe came over for the first time and you asked me why I hadn’t kissed him yet. Funny how things turn out, huh?_

He was sobbing at this point, trying to hold his pen steady even though he felt like he could barely breathe.

_Please forgive me for everything I did wrong. I promise as soon as I go, I’ll come find you. Your Jackie will be with you someday. Really!_

_I love you so much. Bye for now._

_PS: If you, me, and Gabe meet in Heaven, please don’t show him any of my baby pictures. Thanks._

_\- John_

As soon as he finished, he folded up the letter and put it in an envelope, then put that in the desk drawer. Afterwards, he ran into the hallway and into Gabriel’s arms. Gabriel held onto him as tightly as he could.

“That was fucking intense," Jack finally said after crying into his shoulder for a few minutes.

“You okay?” Gabriel asked.

“No,” Jack said with a smile, “But I might be soon.”

\--

The next day, Jack actually felt a bit better. There was a massive weight lifted from his chest, and he hadn’t heard the voice since he wrote the letter.

“So. Gotta plan our wedding, huh? Weird to think about," Jack said that night as he and Gabriel sat on the floor of their living room. He put his hands behind his head and leaned on the wall.

“Didn’t know I was ‘weird’ to you,” Gabriel said, feigning offense. Jack rolled his eyes. Gabriel grinned and moved closer to Jack, kissing him on the lips.

“You just don’t want to do the planning,” Jack said as Gabriel wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist.

“Or maybe I just think you’re hot. Can’t resist.” As Gabriel put his hands on Jack’s hips, Jack returned the kiss, putting his hand on his cheek. Gabriel nuzzled into it.

Jack stared at his fiancé’s face. God, he was beautiful. That smile could light up any room. However, Jack’s pleasure turned to horror as Gabriel’s face returned to the Reaper mask once again, and the hands delicately gripping his sides turned into claws digging into flesh and drawing blood.

“No!” Jack shouted, and swung his hand forward to get Reaper off of him.

“Ow!”

Suddenly, his vision returned to normal, and he realized something:

He had just hit Gabriel.

He slapped him right across the face, leaving a large red mark and what looked like the start of a black eye.

Jack pushed Gabriel away. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so…” Getting over the initial shock, Gabriel started to reach to pat Jack on the back.

“Jack, it’s OK, I know you didn’t mean—”

Jack looked around wildly, then made a break for the door. He slammed it open and ran.

“Jack, wait!”

He had no idea where he was going or what he was doing, but he ran down the street until he couldn’t see his house anymore. Looking to his right, he saw a house with loud music coming from it. They were having some kind of party. He looked through the window for a moment and saw a large keg of vodka. Alcohol. He needed to forget this. Get rid of the pain. Now.

The door to the party was open. He saw his chance and rushed inside.

“Hey, man!” A kid, couldn’t be older than his early 20s, walked up to him. “Whoa, you look awful.”

Jack had no idea what to say, so he just forced a laugh and said, “Yeah.”

“You wanna feel better?” Jack nodded, and the kid handed him a tablet.

Was he about to take drugs? As he remembered the shock in Gabriel’s eyes after he slapped him, he instantly swallowed the pill. Moving over to the keg, he washed it down with vodka, chugging an entire beer glass. God, that burned so good.

The next hour was a blur, and not a particularly pleasant one.

Moving to the center of the floor. Somehow he ended up pushing some white powder he was pretty sure he was cocaine up his nose. Got a recommendation from one of the guys and found a girl who gave him another tablet, which he took one, and then took a second. Saw the Reaper mask in a horrible distortion, red eyes growing to the size of footballs and teeth everywhere. Blinked and it was gone. Desperately tried to forget that with another shot.

Walked outside and puked all over a tree. Couldn’t stop. More alcohol. Probably tequila, he couldn’t even tell anymore. Didn’t water it down or use any salt; what did it matter, anyway? Anything to stop feeling. Started getting dizzy. Saw a vision of his mother shaking her head at him. Took a few more pills, didn’t even know who he was getting them from anymore.

“Who the hell even is that guy?” Somebody in the crowd looked at him and asked. He couldn’t even tell who it was. Too dizzy.

“What the fuck is this creepy old man doing here?” Another voice said.

Suddenly, he heard a third one. It sounded like his mother. “What is wrong with you, Jackie? I’ll never forgive you for embarrassing me like this.”

“No, Mama…” He said aloud.

“Jack!” This voice sounded like Gabriel. He looked over and saw Gabriel had somehow appeared there. There was a huge dent in his face with blood coming out of it. “You did this to me, Jack.” Gabriel, the vision, whatever it was, looked at him in sheer disgust, tears running down his cheeks.

That was it. Jack pushed someone out of the way and found a large kitchen knife. He kept pushing people out of the way and moved into a small, enclosed room, which he realized was the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, he puked into the toilet, then took the knife and stabbed deeply into his stomach. Before he could do anything else, he collapsed on the floor, unable to move anything.

“Jack!” God, why wouldn't this hallucination leave him alone?

His vision temporarily became focused and he saw the door fall over as if it had been kicked in, and saw Gabriel again, but this time he looked normal. Like it really was Gabriel. Gabriel gasped and grabbed Jack from behind, raising his head off the floor. “Call a fucking ambulance!” He looked behind him and yelled.

Gabriel turned around and looked at him. Those eyes, one of them now definitely having a bruise, were the last thing he saw before his vision gave out and his head fell backwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, he didn't die.


	4. Climb

Jack woke up in a hospital bed. It took him a minute to recall why he was even here, until he felt a sharp pain in his stomach, and every memory came flooding back.

Somebody stirred in the room. Gabriel had been sitting next to his bed, asleep. How long had he been there?

“Hey.” Jack smiled weakly. “How long have I been out?”

“Two days,” Gabriel said, avoiding looking him in the eye. “Scariest two days of my life.”

Jack looked down. “Sorry.”

“Doctors said you shouldn’t have survived. That mix of drugs and the big ass stab wound would’ve killed anyone else. That stuff they put into us was good for something, huh?” Gabriel paused for a moment, then got up and stared out the window. Jack wasn’t sure if he was looking at something specific. “I’ve wanted to do it too before, you know.”

“Really?” Jack said, wide-eyed. That seemed like the last thing someone like Gabriel would ever want to do. Giving up wasn’t in his vocabulary.

“Don’t act so shocked. I was pretty fucking miserable.” He looked up at the ceiling, still not meeting Jack’s eye. “Still remember it. My body was really fucked up that day and I was in a shit ton of pain. Then I went to watch you—don’t look at me like that, it was a weird time—and I heard you talking to Ana. You said something about how much you missed me, then took a huge drink of whiskey and puked. Kind of sunk in then how much I was hurting you.” Jack didn’t tell Gabriel that he did that many more times than once, but he suspected he already knew.

His frown deepened as he paced around the hospital room. “I went and found Angela and asked her to kill me. Couldn’t do it anymore. Hated myself too much. I didn’t ask Moira because I knew she’d do some weird experimental shit.” He chuckled, but there was no amusement in it. “She said no because it was ‘unethical’—” he put that in air quotes as if it was a ridiculous reason to refuse—“And I snuck into her clinic and took those gene books, and tried to do it myself. Couldn’t understand a word of them. Doctors are fucking crazy, man.”

He finally met Jack’s eye. “I’m so sorry, Gabe,” Jack said. “I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me.”

Gabriel stared at him for a few moments. “Do you need to go to rehab, Jack?”

Jack sighed. “Don’t think I’m there yet.”

“You almost killed yourself.” Hearing it said out loud stung more than Jack thought it would.

“The drinking isn’t the problem.”

“Okay. I believe you.” Gabriel looked at him, frowning. Jack realized that he had been doing that a lot more in the past few weeks. The kind of permanent negative expression he had when they were in Overwatch.

“Think I’m gonna go back to Dr. Miller. Tell him what these flashbacks really are. Don’t want to, but this is too much.”

“Good, because if you don’t, I will.”

The room was silent for a moment, the only noise being the dull bustle of people in the hallways of the hospital, muffled by the closed door. Neither of them said or did anything for a few moments, until Jack said, “I love you, Gabe.”

Gabriel came over and hugged him. It aggravated his injury a bit, which hurt like fuck, but he barely cared. He was used to pain, anyway.

“Please don’t do that again. Ever.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

They stayed like that for a long time, feeling a sense of relief that at least they still had each other.

\--

He was out of the hospital in only a few days. The doctors were baffled. Accelerated healing strikes again.

“You sure you can do this?” Gabriel said. Jack nodded.

That’s what he said on that bright Tuesday afternoon, Jack standing in front of the open door and Gabriel on the front lawn.

That morning, Jack had decided that he wanted to go to the grocery store with Gabriel. Jack still hadn’t been out of the house since the funeral except for his drug binge. Over time, this had turned from hesitation and depression to outright fear. What if he had an attack in public?

But ever since his hospital stay, Jack decided that he needed to take more steps for his own recovery. The consequences of sinking into depression were too severe. He knew that now.

He had thought this would be an easy first step. Going outside was something that he had done every day before, right? So it shouldn’t be too hard. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. His house had become his comfort zone, with staying in there being the only possible thing he could do to keep the attacks away, even though that barely worked. His own fear had severely wounded his pride. A former soldier that faced the most dangerous criminals in the world couldn’t even leave his house anymore. But that line of thinking had just made him want to go out even less.

There was no way he’d let himself stay in the house the rest of his life, though. He wouldn’t burden Gabriel like that.

Jack took a deep breath and realized that he was shaking. _Just from leaving my house. God, I’m pathetic._ He ignored these thoughts and managed to step outside…

…And it wasn’t any different than he remembered. The sunlight was streaming in a mostly-cloudless sky in their peaceful little neighborhood. There were a couple people outside, but most of them were much more interested in their own daily activities than condemning him. One man was getting his mail, clearly annoyed by the campaign advertising letters they were receiving this season. A woman was unpacking her car of several suitcases. He wondered if he would know where she had been before if he hadn’t been absorbed in his own world for so long.

“Could’ve at least took care of the lawn while I was gone,” Jack said with feigned irritation towards Gabriel. The grass had been basically unkempt during the time he was in the house, probably having been cut only once or twice.

“You’re the one who loves it so much, not me. I don’t care about that bullshit.” Gabriel got up to unlock their car, and damn, did his legs look good in those pants. “Now let’s go.” Jack walked towards him and kissed him, savoring the feeling of his lips. For the first time in weeks, he felt like nothing could keep him down, and going through this experience with Gabriel made him feel like they were falling in love all over again.

“We can’t fuck out here, you know.” Gabriel grinned at him.

“Can always have fun when we get back.”

And that’s exactly what they did.

\--

Today was the day he would tell Dr. Miller about his past with Gabriel.

There was no chickening out now.

Jack sat down in his usual spot on the couch. Everything was the same as usual; it didn’t really suit how major of an event this was for him. The only difference from his last appointment was the heavy rain falling outside, like the weather was communicating his own inner turmoil.

He was going to leave his drug episode out of the discussion. It wouldn’t do him any good, and he was too ashamed of it to explain it to anyone else.

“Doc, I gotta tell you something,” Jack started, cupping his hands together and managing to look into his therapist’s eye.

“Well, it’s therapy. Don’t you always have to tell me something?” Dr. Miller said, smiling at him.

“Yeah. Sure.” He really didn’t have the patience for these antics right now. “Y’know how I won’t tell you who shot me?” The doctor nodded. “It was Gabriel.”

The doctor stared at him, caught off-guard for once. “John, are you being abused?” He asked, concern showing in his eyes.

“No. It was in the past. We’ve got a…history.”

Jack decided that the only way to convince the doctor that he wasn’t being abused was to tell him as much as he could. He didn’t talk about Gabriel’s terrorist history in general, but he did mention their own fighting and what caused it, how he did it in a mask that was in his flashbacks, as well as the injuries they inflicted upon each other.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Jack said, hoping for the best.

For once, the doctor didn’t appear upbeat at all, a serious frown on his face. “Are you sure he won’t hurt you or anyone else again?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Then I’ll keep it to myself.” Dr. Miller sighed. However, his spirits uplifted just as fast as they went down, and he lit up with excitement. “I can treat you so much better now, though! I already have an idea.”

\--

“The hell is ‘exposure therapy’?” Gabriel asked.

“Just trust me. Do you still have your stupid Reaper outfit?”

“Yes. And it was not stupid,” Gabriel said, crossing his arms and pouting. He could be such a child sometimes. From anyone else it would be annoying, but Jack thought he somehow made it cute.

“Put it on.”

After he had put on his cloak and picked up the mask, he said, “What is this even going to do?”

“I said trust me.” Really, he didn’t know if this was going to work either, but even false confidence was better than no confidence at all. “When I say ‘go’, put on the mask and face me.” Jack closed his eyes for a moment while taking a deep breath. After a pause, he said, “Go.”

He heard Gabriel shuffle a bit. How did he even put that thing on? Whatever it was, it sounded weird. “It’s on.”

Finally, Jack opened his eyes, and immediately wanted to close them again. He started shaking and breathing hard as he stared into the red gleam inside the mask’s eyeholes, but forced himself to keep staring at it. “Walk towards me and touch me.”

His throat tightened as Gabriel moved towards him, and sweat started dripping down Jack’s forehead as he opened the claws and brushed against his cheek. When he put up his own hand and touched the fingers of the armor, he felt no threatening intention. The claws weren’t digging into him. The mask hid only a confused expression rather than one of contempt.

No flashback.

Jack moved his hands upward and started to slowly take off the mask himself. Something clicked, and it came off, revealing Gabriel’s normal face. After staring at the mask in his hand for a moment, trying not to freeze in place, he set it down on a table and tried to control his breathing. Slowly, he stopped shaking, and his breathing rate started to come closer to normal. It was just a mask. The only power it had was what he gave it.

“I did it. I fucking did it,” he said.

“Okay, but I still don’t get what the hell you did,” Gabriel said, cocking his head to the side.

“I’ll explain it later. Let’s have dinner.”

As Gabriel shrugged and walked towards the kitchen, Jack smiled to himself. “Hope you’re proud of me, Mama. Think I might be able to do this.”


	5. Revival

Gabriel had gotten the idea of the ‘exposure therapy’ thing now. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was doing, but Jack seemed to be slowly feeling better in the past week. He even went outside multiple times.

It was a good thing he understood, too, because they weren’t done yet.

That was how they ended up standing in their living room with Gabriel in his full Reaper outfit, his shotguns with him on the table this time. He had checked what seemed like a thousand times that they were unloaded, but nothing would stop the paranoia he felt that he would somehow accidentally hurt him again. If there was one thing in his damn miserable life that he would never do again, it was hurt Jack.

“OK. Pick them up.” Jack’s voice was tightly strained, but he was managing to keep his eyes open as Gabriel did as he was told, moving behind Jack and levelling them at the spot in his spine where he had shot him in Cairo. By then, Jack was shaking and seemed to have stopped breathing, and Gabriel was about to ask if he wanted to stop when he said, “On the count of 3, pull the trigger.”

Nervousness started to build in Gabriel as well, the prospect of accidentally hurting him still in his mind. “1….2….3.” He pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

As Jack’s entire body seemed to slowly unfreeze, his breathing also started to come back. His voice was still shaking when he said, “H-holy shit.”

“Can I take this thing off now? It’s hot as fuck in here,” Gabriel said.

“Thanks for congratulating me,” Jack grunted. For a moment he wondered if he had genuinely offended him, but Jack laughed and leaned back into Gabriel’s arms. He tilted his head upwards and looked him in the eye. “Really do need to plan our wedding, though.”

Gabriel grinned at him. “Don’t worry. Leave that to me.”

\--

**Two months later**

“Why can’t I open my eyes to see my own wedding?” Jack grumbled, as he walked somewhere, accompanied by Ana. Gabriel had kept the whole process a secret from Jack. Sometimes he had wondered if he had just not been prepared, but he had been gone so often that he must have been doing _something_.

“Just a couple more minutes,” Ana said. After she walked Jack a bit away from the car and Jack heard a door opening, she stopped. “OK. Open.”

Jack had no idea how to take in what he saw when he opened his eyes.

He had just expected a relatively low-key celebration, a few of his friends in a backyard. What he got was…not that. Inside the massive ballroom, there was a grand pavilion. An ice sculpture in the same shape as that damn statue of him sat in the middle of the room, with elaborate ribbons and flowers in the exact shade of blue as his jacket, and a wedding band playing soft music. Some of the ribbons were arranged in the shape of Overwatch’s logo.

At the front of the band was Gabriel, playing the same guitar he had when he played his first song for Jack all those years ago. Jack didn’t even know he still had that. He had a smirk on his face, clearly enjoying Jack’s reaction.

Most grand of all was the wedding cake, a giant one made with the chocolate that Jack liked (he swore he had only mentioned that once, and years ago) and with a gigantic “24” and “76” painted on the front in frosting.

Gabriel left the band’s platform and walked towards Jack, the same smirk still plastered on his face. “Crying already, Boy Scout?”

“Gabe…” And he was _so_ not crying. His eyes were just wet. It was humid. That was all. Obviously.

Although he had only told Gabriel this, Jack had always wanted a traditional wedding. A big celebration to commemorate the real start of his family. He wanted to celebrate his future with the love of his life, long before he ever met Gabriel. Even though he had to wait until now to get it, God was it worth it.

And there was no one else he would rather share that experience with.

\--

The two of them stood at the altar, all of the former members of Overwatch watching them and a few of their newer friends, as well as Jack’s father. Jack wished his mother could be here too, but having him there meant so much on its own. Getting to share this experience with his family was something he had always wanted.

He looked at his notecards, because truth be told, being in front of everyone was a bit nerve-wracking, and he might forget his vows if he didn’t. He cleared his throat. “Gabe, ever since the first time I kissed you I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I couldn’t have made it to where I am now if it weren’t for you. God knows I would’ve gotten myself killed somehow.” He chuckled. “I want us to keep fighting together. It’s always been us against the world. Just how I like it. I want to make you as happy as you make me. I’ll do anything to give you the best life possible and take good care of you. I promise.” He took a deep breath. That was poetic enough, right? He hoped so. As he looked into the crowd, he saw Ana’s familiar knowing smile, and that Lena was crying. It was so nice to have friends again.

Gabriel smiled at him, a rare genuine smile that absolutely melted his heart every time he saw it. “I’m not good at this stuff, but I just want you to know that I love you more than anything, Jack. Even if the world is garbage sometimes” – Jack appreciated his lack of swearing in their vows – “I know I have you, and that tells me that not everyone is all bad. Nothing makes me happier than making you laugh and smile, even if it’s because I’m making fun of you, and I want to do that every day. I know I can be a jerk sometimes, and I’m so glad you still believe in me even when nobody else did. You saved me so many times, and I’ll never forget that. Wow, that’s the sappiest thing you’ll ever hear from me, I promise.” The entire crowd laughed, including Jack.

Finally, after everything, all of the struggles and pain throughout his entire life, his dream was coming true.

\--

**Three months later**

_Dear Mama,_

_Dr. Miller says that I’m in the “acceptance” stage of grief now. It feels like I started talking to him a whole life ago. Now I haven’t even started crying writing this (yet)! He said I should write one more letter to you now that it might be easier to handle._

_A lot of stuff has happened since last time. Me and Gabe got married for real! The wedding was great. I wish you’d been there to see it. Like I said, I did cry (he did too). Dad seemed really proud of me. I think he misses you just as much as I do._

_I went through a lot of therapy. It was really hard, but I feel a lot better now. I don’t spend all day moping anymore. I haven’t had a flashback in weeks, either. It’s weird, I fought in wars my whole life, but none of that was ever as hard as getting past losing you. I guess Morrisons (I promise I won’t change the name of the farm just because I changed my last name. I know you’d come down and destroy me if I did.) are built for fighting, not feeling, huh? Or maybe you were right and men just don’t know how to have emotions._

_I still miss you a lot. I miss calling you and having you explain all of my problems to me and making them sound so easy to fix. I miss you telling me I was smart when everyone around me was making me feel like an idiot. I miss you telling me when I really was being an idiot. But I think I’m ready to let go, you know? I know you wouldn’t want my entire life to end because yours did._

_Gabe’s really been a huge help for me this whole time. There’s no way I would’ve made it without him. If there’s anyone to thank for the fact that I haven’t gone nuts, it’s him. And yes, he still wears the exact same hoodie from 20 years ago, but at least he washes it more now._

_I’ll never forget you, Mama. I know you’d be proud of me for getting past everything. I’m gonna keep that picture in my wallet, just so I can always look at it and know someone believes in me.  
Thanks for everything. I don’t think this is goodbye forever. I can’t wait to meet you again someday. I know I will._

_Love you,_

_\- John_

_PS: If you want to whoop me for the drug thing, please don’t do it in front of Gabe. He’ll never let me live that down._

Jack sealed the letter and put it in his drawer, right next to the first one. While looking in the drawer, he noticed a picture of his mother. In a crying fit, he had taken the picture and hid it out of sight, so he wouldn’t have to be reminded of what happened. But now, he felt like it would honor her memory better to keep it around. He put the picture in his bag, resolving to frame it later.

“Jack? You OK in there?” Gabriel shouted from the other side of the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jack said, just loud enough that Gabriel could hear it. He opened the door and hugged Gabriel, just like last time, but realized he wasn’t crying this time. In fact, he felt more tranquil than he had in months. It felt like so much tension had just been taken off just by writing that letter. “Let’s go get dinner.”

With that, Jack turned off the lights and closed the door to the room, ready to return to a life he finally enjoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first finished fic that i've posted! woo. i really loved writing this one, so i hope you enjoy reading it.


End file.
